Mothers, Don't Be Deceived

Return of the Prodigal Son
by Rembrandt

Recently, a woman that I know - a beautiful, godly, loving woman - shared with me a heartbreaking struggle that she is walking through with her lovely daughter. My oldest is now twelve, and I am beginning to see that it is not so much if but rather when - my children will face struggles, especially in the teenage years. And, they will probably break my heart at times.

Last night, I was thinking about this dear mother. I hoped and prayed that she has not fallen prey to believing any lies. The prince of this world would very much like to convince sincere mothers that their efforts have not been enough to save their child from pain. He whispers, "You're a failure, how could you not have seen this coming?" The whisper gets louder, and if no one else is shouting in her ears, she just. might. believe the lie.

And so, I am shouting. I am shouting to all of the mothers out there. NEVER FORGET, these children are not ours. Our gracious, heavenly father will do whatever it takes to draw them to himself. Not sometimes, but often, that requires struggle and sometimes even pain. Like the Prodigal Son, He allowed me to plunge into a valley that I might recognize my need for him. Likely, there are many of you who have experienced the same. In fact, even the great King David felt this way about his life:

" Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."

Psalm 104:2-5 (ESV)

As mothers, we have a great deal of power to raise our children well. We love them and expose them to goodness, truth and beauty daily. But, we are still sinful, broken people raising sinful, broken people in a sinful, broken world. Sometimes, the last truth we have left to cling to is really the only one we needed in the first place.

"Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the almighty reigns."

Revelation 19: 6

Let this truth drive us to our knees as we seek to be stewards of His children, knowing that their lives are in His very capable hands.

Assuming the Best in our Children

Sometimes it can't be avoided. There will be those people who know us only for our faults. To them, we are: that woman whose kids never have their hair brushed, or that man whose car is always filthy. I don't know about you, but I am thankful for people in my life who choose to overlook my faults and see who I really am. It is so encouraging to have people who see my heart, yes they know my struggles, but they see me for who I really am - a unique woman made in the image of the creator who is trying to live a worthy life despite the crumbs that are perpetually on my floor.

I think that most people feel as I do. Yet, how often do we forget to do this for our children? How often do we look at them in the midst of their messy anger and think, "What is WRONG with this child?!" If only we could learn to see them as we long to be seen - as a whole person struggling to live well.

When we see our children as a whole person, we learn to assume the best in them. Outbursts of angry "I hate yous" become signals to discover their needs. When I assume the best in my child, I look at her in these moments knowing that she is not showing her true self. She is not a mean, angry person - how unkind to give her those labels. Instead, I think of what I can do to help her. Does she need some alone time? Is she tired? Hungry? Is she feeling loved?

A little one on one time with Mom or Dad can make a world of difference in a child's heart. When we pour love in, they have love to give. When we serve and care for them, we set the example for them to follow. When we refuse to judge them and instead, overlook their faults, we teach them about grace. How blessed is the child who knows that she is seen for who she really is - a unique person with a heart that wants to live well.

As always, I write these words as a reminder to myself. That I may seek to know and to love these beautiful people I have been intrusted with.

Raising the Baby

I've heard from many that the baby of the family is always the baby. Looking at my fourth and final child who is now four, I am beginning to understand what is meant by that. My expectations for her are lower than they were for my other four year olds. The child still doesn't dress herself, or buckle her seat belt or squeeze her own toothpaste. She throws a fit almost everytime she is denied her wish. (she throws a lot of fits - we don't always give in) They say the first step to recovery is admitting the problem. So, I admit it, we baby our baby and we need to help her grow up. Not to mention, her attitude is becoming increasingly unpleasant. For a child with a naturally sweet and caring disposition, it is obvious that our 'babying' her is not bringing out the best in her as a person.

So, yesterday during our school time, she was becoming increasingly unpleasant. "No, you can't play with my iphone, you need to listen to the story. No, you may not stand over there, you need to have a seat with the family." Etc, etc... After the third or fourth meltdown, I send her to her room to have some time to calm down and return to being kind. Then, the thuds begin. The thud, thud, thud of little feet kicking the wall in frustration. At this point, I am feeling nothing but frustration and anger in my heart. I am not seeing this child as a person who needs me to help her grow up, I am seeing her as an annoying distraction to my day.

Whoa - hold on, I know better than that. Quickly, I ask the Lord for help to bring out the best in my little girl. And, as quickly as that, He guides me.

I walk into the room and see a little girl banging on the wall, with a face full of anger and I say sweetly, "Can we talk now?" As I sit next to her on her bed, she perks up and leans her little head on my chest, already sensing that I have come as an ally. I asked her, "How do you feel when someone tells you No?" She thought about it for a moment and replied that it made her mad. "You wanna know something, sometimes I feel mad when someone tells me no, too. (little eyes are looking at me now) But, part of growing up is learning how to behave the right way even when someone tells us no. How do you think you should behave when someone tells you know? (shrugs little shoulders) Should you say, "aaaahhh, but I WANT it?" (bursts into giggles) Was that the right way to respond? Okay, okay, let me try again..." We role play for awhile, taking turns to be the one who asks. Silliness ensues, but the lesson is learned.

She is learning how to handle disappointment. But, I am learning, too. I am learning that godly parenting involves empathy and seeing my child as a person. It involves prayer, thoughtfulness, and time. I am so thankful for the one who shares my burdens and guides me daily.

Fighting for your Right...maybe not

My husband, the artist, is often busy on weekends. This means Saturday nights at Chic Fil A with the kiddos and maybe a movie for me after they're in bed. A few weekends ago, I was hoping to sneak in a quick trip to the grocery store before he had to leave for the day - by. my. self.
In the driveway, he was loading up - preparing to leave and earn our bread. I begged 30 minutes. He consented. During the course of this (2 minutes tops) conversation, all of my children had loaded and buckled themselves into the car. Now, why they won't load up that quickly when I want them to, I'll never understand. Nevertheless, here I stand. Fuming. I don't want to take them with me - it'll take hours! I just want to go by myself.
Being the martyr that I am, I climb in and turn the ignition, four kids in tow. As we drive, I state my demands: "No running off. No asking for ANYTHING. Got it?" We arrive, unload and begin our journey to the front door. As we pass through the outdoor plant section, my littlest one comments on how pretty the flowers are. Slowly I feel it. The drip, drip melting of an icy heart. My icy heart. The recently read words of Edith Schaeffer in describing a disgruntled wife come to mind:

"What a fantastic amount of wasted time! What possible results could it all bring ? What is of basic importance? What kind of lessons in human relationships are being given to three children in the midst of this? Are they being taught to yell for their "rights," no matter what is destroyed during the yelling?"

and I'm undone. Right there, at the entrance to the grocery store, I breathe deeply and decide to relinquish "my rights." Because they're not really mine anyway.

With pleasant face and voice restored, we breeze through the store. Before I know it, we're all enjoying ourselves at the library. I am so thankful for Godly women who've gone before me; who remind me the path toward righteousness has nothing to do with me or my rights.

A Tapestry

"Soon she would be about with them again, light-footed as of yore, loving them, teaching them, comforting them. They would be coming to her with their little joys and sorrows, their budding hopes, their new fears, their little problems that seemed so big to them and their little heart-breaks that seemed so bitter. She would hold all the threads of the Ingleside life in her hands again to weave into a tapestry of beauty."

Anne of Ingleside by Lucy Maude Montgomery



I have loved reading the "Anne" books with my two big girls and am often struck by the sweet truths expressed in them. Just this afternoon, it dawned on me that I am twelve years down with fourteen to go in this journey of parenthood (at least the part where they are small and live at home). We're nearly halfway through weaving this tapestry of life. What a joy it is to have the job of weaver. Pulling in some singing here, piano lessons there, read alouds, spontaneous dance parties, and adventures at the nature preserve. Hopefully, if we stand back and squint a little, those will outshine all of the slugs, dirt and shouting in the end.

Blink

I walk past the glassed-in childcare room at the Y and choke back tears as I exit alone. Only last year, my little two would come here with me daily - and we would leave together with the day ahead of us. Right now, it is evening. They are asleep in their beds, and I am alone - sneaking away for a quick rush of good endorphins to soothe my anxious heart.

All I did was blink.
And those days are gone. Memories.

The Lord has called me to a new stage, one he has been equipping me for - one that he is equipping me through. I am a working mother.

I didn't really want this. But, He wanted it for me. I only applied for a part time job - maybe a teacher's aide. But, he knew that I needed to be immersed. He knew how I needed to grow. He knew which child needed me most right now.

And so, here I am. Teacher to ten beautiful second graders (one of whom is my own beloved child) in the most incredible school that I could ever hope for. My children are thriving, my husband is growing stronger, and I am growing up in Him.

He didn't design this life to be simple, as in easy. But, he did make it simple to follow him - one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time - ever listening for that still, small voice that whispers, "I am with you."

A fresh start

In reading through old posts, I realize what a treasure this little space has been for my heart. Memories captured, thoughts being forced to come clear, dear women offering me encouragement - each of these things brought me such joy. Yet, I just quit. Two and a half years of life have brought many beautiful changes.
I want to come back.
I want to take time to breathe him in and exhale here.
Join me, if you will.

Yesterday I had the privilege of watching my sweet five-year-old in her dance class. Normally, the teacher keeps them to herself to help them focus, but she let them have an 'audience' yesterday. My little girl inherited her Mommy's rhythm which means she'll have to work extra hard to be average at this sort of thing. She's not working extra hard, yet. Most of the time she's just a little behind on the moves, or not doing them quite right. Despite this, I adored watching her simply because she's my baby.

As I sat there, a little moved over the sweetness of this class of little girls, I couldn't help but wonder if this is how God often views us. Perhaps he is watching with the amused adoration of a loving parent as we fumble around trying to make the garden grow or get the laundry clean.

Sharing the Burden

Yesterday, I didn't want to get up in the morning. I could already hear the big kids stirring, the baby was waking up and would need to be nursed and all I wanted to do was sleep. Dizzily, I sat up and began my day. Nursing the babe, feeding the kids, doing the dishes, laundry, schoolwork; the usual. In the midst of the frustration of a constantly crying baby and a very curious toddler I realized that I just couldn't handle it anymore. I cried out to the Lord to help me!

And, he heard me.

Somehow, the laundry got loaded and I was able to sit down and hold my baby for a while.

As I sat, I watched. The five-year-old and the boy were happily playing legos together. The seven-year-old was dutifully completing her phonics work. And the sweet baby had fallen asleep in my lap.

Tears filled my eyes as I realized that this is what he wants for me. Why do I keep trying to bear this burden by myself? He is with me always, and ready to help. All I have to do is ask.

It is so sweet to be His.

Here We Go

It's that time again. That time when I complain of being too busy and not getting to do things my way. That time when I threaten to take my little family and run away to celebrate things our way. Basically, it's that time again when I act like a total sinner and completely forget the grace shown to me which is the very reason for these celebrations.

For some reason, I am most selfish during the holiday season. Yes, I shrug it off as trying to "protect my children and their holiday memories." But, it's really just selfishness. I think that I know the best way to do things and I don't really want to oblige anyone else. This is a wonderful time for me to practice being gracious, and letting the Lord use me to be a peacemaker. Yet, in the past, I have continually opted for stubbornness and caddy, "can you believe that he..." whispered to my husband.

And so, I am praying for an extra measure of grace. And, I am committing myself to steep this time in scripture that his sweet words might overflow out of my mouth. May this Thanksgiving and Christmas be special, not because of getting to do things my way, but because I am able to reflect the one who is the giver of all good things.

Here's wishing you a joyous Thanksgiving, as you reflect upon God's sovereign grace shown to us through the blessings of living in the Land of the Free.

Choices

When you happen to live in the same city as a wonderful Classical and Christian school, it can be difficult to explain your choice to homeschool.

When two of your dear family members are founding members of that excellent school, it gets even more tricky to justify your homeschooling decision.

When you spent a year teaching at that school, and growing to love many of it's methods, things can get really complicated.

When your grandparents offer to foot the bill for your firstborn to attend that school and you graciously refuse it, you can begin to wonder whether you are slowly going insane.

When a friend, whose daughter is attending second grade at that school, tells you about the paragraph she recently wrote in class; you might start worrying that your child is not keeping up.

And so, I have to go back to the beginning. I have to remember why I am doing this. Ultimately, it is because the Lord has clearly called us to be a homeschooling family. I can only endure the "concern" from others when I focus upon him. My children may not be super advanced in their studies. But, they are learning so much. I hope that someday, others will be able to see the fruit of our choice. In the meantime, I seek my encouragement from the Lord and from those of you who are or have been in my shoes. I am so thankful for this tool to daily connect me with encouragement from other homeschooling families.

As an aside, I found this Ambleside Language Arts scope and sequence very reassuring that we are doing just fine.

Prying My Grubby Little Fingers

Eight years ago, I became a wife at the young age of nineteen. I was still pretty wound up and focused on myself. I have always been pretty forward-thinking, a dreamer, head-in-the-clouds, bossy, annoying, well I guess that should do. Anyhow, I had my life planned out. And, being a low income wife and homeschooling mother of four children really wasn't in the plans. After all, I was going to college, that guaranteed riches and success - right? Over the years, the Lord has gently pried my hands off of the junk that I call precious. He has been faithful to bless me despite my foolishness, yet I remain a fool.

He has recently had to pry again.

My dear husband had fatherhood thrust upon him quite young, and before he really had time to consider a career. And, as you know, once fatherhood began, it continued quite rapidly. Fast-forward eight years later, he is a father to four dear ones and is still faithfully remaining with the same job he began nearly eight years ago. I, being the bossy, dreamy, annoying one have recently seen fit to find him a career that suits him better. "Maybe you'd like this, or that dear. Shall I research it for you? Shall I schedule an interview or an appointment for you?" And on, and on I go. Where does it all end? Frustration. Frustration, because it's my idea and not his.

And so, with His gentle prying, I am doing my best to release my grip on what I think is best. Especially with the upcoming Holiday, it is fitting that I focus on what I can be thankful for. I have a husband who loves the Lord, me and our children. He is faithful to provide for us. And, he's pretty cute and can always make me laugh. As I let go of selfish ambitions, and thank the Lord for his goodness; I can again focus on my job, and let my husband focus on his... praying all the way through.

First Things First

It seems simple enough. You have to put on your socks before you put on your shoes (unless you're wearing flip-flops), you should put the toothpaste on the toothbrush before you brush your teeth. But, what do you do when the baby is starving, you've run out of counter space for dirty dishes, and the seven-year-old needs help with her math work? Well, I suppose you could move math to the kitchen, nurse the baby while standing and doing the dishes with one hand. But, it would be right at that moment that the toddler walks in with a bloody nose dripping everywhere. Things just aren't so cut and dry for a Mama with many little ones. The needs are constant, and often urgent.

It is in these moments that I will cry out to the Lord, "you told me that your yoke is easy and your burden is light, so what exactly is the burden that I am to bear right now?" With that, I can calmly set down the baby who has been fed enough to last another five minutes, clean up the toddler, and sit back down with my infant. As she nurses, the seven-year-old may sit near us and she and I can go over her math. The dishes have no soul, so they can wait. There's a good rule for you; if it doesn't have a soul, it can wait for those who do. Just because his burden is easy doesn't mean that we can relax, but we can rest in knowing that no matter how constant the needs are, He is by our side bearing them with us.

True Community

We consider ourselves blessed to be a part of a very sweet, gospel-driven church plant in our community. This church has furthered our view of what community is through their love for us, especially during this recent pregnancy and delivery. This Sunday, we'll bring our new little one to be baptized. And, I wanted to share with you a letter to our church that the pastor is allowing us to put in the bulletin:

"Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

As we bring our new baby to be baptized this morning, we can not help but reflect upon what a blessing each of you is to us. We are so thankful to be a part of such a wonderful, covenant community. We have felt the love of Christ so strongly through your words and actions.

As we blissfully announced our pregnancy, you shared in our joy. As we endured morning sickness, you sympathized and encouraged. As Mama's belly grew, you had nothing but sweet words to say about that growing child inside. When bedrest was ordered, you rushed in to lighten our load. And, when our baby arrived, you rejoiced with us. Your precious gifts, and wholesome meals delivered to our house have made this time of transition much more peaceful.

Each of you is dear to us, and we are so grateful that our little girl was born into this loving church family. She is here today, healthy and strong, because of God's goodness and your faithfulness.

With love"

We hope that we can be such a blessing to others in the future!

Perfection

We are blessed to live near a big city with a nice symphony. And, not only that, but this symphony performs children's concerts for three bucks a ticket! So, every year, we get to go to four concerts - it's wonderful.

This morning was a girl's morning in that I pawned off the little man on a friend. (one lap baby is all I can handle on a field trip!) So, the little ladies and I set off for the well-timed, 45 - minute concert. I always love taking my children to hear the symphony. The experience of good quality, live music is one that is so rich and I want for them to be exposed to it as much as possible.

This morning, as I was enjoying the sleeping baby in my arms, and the lovely sounds of Mendelssohn's Symphony #1, I was struck by the beauty of precision. The music wouldn't be nearly so lovely had not each instrumentalist practiced his part to perfection. So often, I am satisfied with 'good enough' in my own efforts. But, my laziness deprives the world of beauty. While we can't truly be perfect, we were told to:

"be perfect, as your heavenly father is perfect" Matthew 5:48

And so, good enough really isn't. We are called to strive toward precision which best displays the perfection of our creator and leads to His glory when we give it to Him. May our efforts be our best so that the beauty can be seen.

Remembering

Well, after all the scares of possible premature delivery, I'm still here. I thank the Lord for carrying this baby and me through. Knowing that her due date was close to this day, I have hoped all along to not have a 9/11 baby. It would not have been horrible, but I am thankful that my child's birthday will not forever be associated with a national tragedy.

On this day, six years ago, I remember being a young, first time teacher of the first grade. I remember the headmaster coming to my classroom early to inform me that the world trade center had been bombed, for this is what was believed at the time. I remember the darkness of that morning and the fear of another attack, perhaps closer to home. I remember sneaking phone calls to my husband making plans for picking up our one year old daughter and where we would meet up should anything happen. I remember turning on the radio while my students were at PE to hear the news. I remember dropping to my knees in prayer and weeping over the sudden loss of comfort and safety.

Today, I am thankful that another attack has not occurred. I am thankful to be safe and warm in the very same house, now a little more full of children. I am thankful to know that He who Reigns on High is in control of it all.

Not Yet

My doctor put her foot down yesterday, and said "no." I cried, even though I understood her reasoning. I am 38 weeks today, and the medical standards say that the earliest a doctor should electively take a baby out is at 38 weeks and 5 days. I can bear the discomfort of sciatica and general 'heaviness' for another week if that is what is best for this little one. My main concern was that I really wanted to insure that my doctor would be the one performing this difficult fourth c-section. If I go into labor this weekend, it will not be her.

I feel like such a whiney baby.

By next Thursday, this child will be here and all that matters is that she is healthy. Please pray for me that I will make it that long, and that the surgery would go smoothly. And, especially pray for the health of this sweet little one.

It is times like this when I must live like I believe. I am seeking to rest in His sovereignty above all else. He has never done me wrong, for he can not. It is so good to be His.

Always Learning

What my recent resting has taught me:

Patience: This one is obvious.

Humility: Through accepting the love and help of my family and covenant community. I've been overwhelmed with the generosity of everyone around me. It has truly been a blessing to feel the love of Christ through each of them.

Selflessness: Through realizing that this really is not about me, it's about the life and health of the precious baby within me. Despite my discomfort and annoyance, her little life takes priority right now. Each additional day in the womb she grows a little stronger.

I am no longer on bed rest. This Friday, I reach full term (37 weeks). And, I thank the Lord for his faithfulness and that of his people. I look forward to sharing the good news with you soon!

just thinking...

With five weeks to go, it's really starting to hit me that very soon I will be the mother of four small people. I will have a 7, (almost)5, 2 and new-year-old to love and teach. I am certainly excited about this new little body separating from mine because it will fell good to not be pregnant anymore, and because I really look forward to holding her little body. But, there will be all new challenges for this Mama who already struggles with leaving the house with my three. I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever get out again.

I guess, in a way, I 'm preparing myself for a year or two of pretty much staying close to home while finding creative ways to complete the tasks and errands that my husband depends on me for. I hardly remember Ma ever leaving the house, she kept herself quite busy right there. Now, if only my Laura and Mary could walk into town for me : )

I'm certainly not complaining, for I have yet to experience greater joy than the joy of adding to our family. Watching relationships form between my children, and developing my own bond with this little one are certainly things to enjoy in all their sweetness. I suppose I am just a bit anxious, anxious to see what this will really look like. And, excited to see how He will carry me through it.

Not So Terrible

My little man turned two on Saturday.

His sisters helped make cupcakes.


They turned out pretty cute.



He played with his sister in the 'wops' (rocks).



He had fun playing with his chalk,

and jumping in the bubbles.

Despite everyone's predictions, he blew out those candles on the first try!

Happy Birthday, my little man. You are so loved.